Fathers & Sons: the Bonding Process  

　

by Bill Hanson 

　

    Over the years, Bill Hanson has taken pictures of fathers and sons. Not until his father's death did he begin to appreciate that his father was his whole world. "The bond between fathers and sons", says Hanson, "can be celebrated, cursed, strained, ridiculed, and honored. However, it can not be broken." The following is a moving story told by Hanson about the father-son relationship.

　

    As far as I am concerned, my father was the finest man who ever lived. William Andrew Hanson II was my hero － John Wayne, Audie Murphy, and Joe DiMaggio all rolled into one. He was equal parts friends, mentor, and confidant. We spoke without words and loved without barriers.

    He grew up without a father, who died when Dad was only 10 years old. Life must have been lonely for a boy losing his father at such a young age, but Dad never wallowed in self-pity. He was independent and strong, a stubborn individualist. I don't know who taught him how to be a father, but he learned the lessons well.

    It wasn't easy for my parents to raise three boys. As I grew older, it was obvious that money wasn't plentiful, but Dad never lost his enthusiasm for living. Even our simplest conversations were painted with smiles. "Dad," I would say, about to ask to borrow his hammer or pose some mundane question, and he would look up from his work and say in his unique way, "Yessiree, Bob-tailed, Buffalo Bill, Leroy Hanson the Third."

    He had a real way with words and instilled in me an appreciation and knowledge for language. If you asked him the meaning of a word, he could tell you the complete etymology of it. Sometimes, lessons came when I least expected them. In high school, I brought a date home to meet my father. Trying to impress her, or just being a teenager, I was sneering and being insulting to just about everyone in the room. Dad finally said, "Bill, I want you to go over to my dictionary and tell me what the word ‘sarcasm' means." He said it in such a commanding tone, I didn't resist. I flipped open the page and found the literal meaning － to rip flesh. In one single moment, he taught me the power of words. I haven't forgotten it.

    The day he died was the hardest day of my life. My world had hinged on him. No person had loved me the way he did － unconditionally. I began to appreciate how lonely he must have been when his own father died. Without Dad, I thought the hope in me had died as well. Our friendship spoke to my soul, and now the conversation was over.

    Becoming a father myself wasn't high on my list of things to do. I had a sense that someday it would happen, but not in the immediate future. Dirty diapers and responsibilities were not my idea of a good time. Almost a decade after my father died, an infant changed my mind. His name is Miles Christopher Hanson.

    When I think about my life today, I see it as before child and after child. Being a father means there are new challenges for me. I must be prepared to meet obstacles I never knew existed and keep one step ahead of my growing boy's needs.

    There was no school degree to prepare me for fatherhood. I went to the bookstores and scoured the shelves for something that would give me a recipe for being a good father. I found nothing. Here I was, endeavoring to take on the biggest commitment of my life, and I had no lines, no textbook, no videos to tell me what to do. It was a job with no description. People would say to me, "Just love him." Loving was the easy part. Being a father was not.

    I was terrified the first time I held this small, pink, wrinkled bundle in my arms, the first time I gave him a bath, the first time we were alone together. All I could do was remember my own childhood and realize that my father had been my world. It was the best advice I found. Slowly, I began to realize that I had been Miles' world. I just started taking my cues from him and we did okay together. In fact, now we are inseparable.

    If I am mowing the lawn, Miles mows the lawn. If I am reading the paper, Miles reads the paper. If I am thirsty, so is Miles. He is imitating my steps as I once copied my own father's. Here is the cycle of life. We learn from our fathers so we can teach our children.

    Miles taught me that the hope my father had in abundance did not die with him. When I look at Miles, I know what my father saw in me － hope for a better future. I wish there were a way to share with my father his precious grandson. Fate didn't see it that way. My mother married again, and now both Miles and I benefit from a caring stepfather. We have developed a father and son bond based on love, mutual admiration, and respect. My stepfather has been there for me as father, friend, and counselor. He also had taught me that fathers and sons don't necessarily have to share flesh and bones. A father is someone who is willing to claim a son as his own and take the responsibility of that relationship. I am fortunate to have his influence in my life.

    Being a father (parent) is － let's face it － a pretty thankless job. In today's media, the only fathers we see are the "deadbeat" dads. Where are the millions of men who toil day after day, sacrificing their own needs in order to fulfill the needs of their family? Those men are out there, but there are no rewards. Think about it, when the cameras pan the sidelines at a sporting event, do you hear "Hi, Dad?" No － moms get all the credit.

    Over the years, I have taken pictures to salute the men who are raising the next generation of fathers. They are redefining what it is to be a father. I consider the relationship between mother and child equally significant. In fact, Miles has a great relationship with his mother, as I do with mine. Nevertheless, the photos are designed to encompass the relationship between father and son. As fathers, old expectations were to protect, discipline, and provide for their offspring. Today, society expects and needs men to be more involved. The question is how.

    Each father and son team I have portrayed has found common ground in their relationship. Some fathers are in the wonderment phase － seeing the world through the eyes of their growing sons. Others are watching their sons cope with the demons of today. One or two fathers are discovering their sons. Some sons are fatherless, and some fathers are sonless. There are fathers who have watched their sons combat a fatal disease, others who have watched their sons grow into successful businessmen. Some of the fathers have been primary caregivers to their sons, while others have felt the pain of seeing their offspring grow up in a distant city because of divorce. One of the fathers talks of sharing the moment of winning a world championship title with his son, and another writes of reading Goose Bumps to his sons each evening. Fathers talk about newborns entering the world and about coaching Little League, of sons marrying and having their own sons, and of the passing of tradition. Each has taught by example and each has loved unconditionally.

    I hope that, through my photos, you will see men who are doing their best for their sons. You'll also see sons who are making their fathers proud － not because they are presidents, star athletes, millionaires, or celebrities, but because, at one point in history, a man had a son, and that son had a father who became his whole world. They learned from each other, laughed with each other, argued with each other, and loved. The bond between fathers and sons is unbreakable. It can be celebrated, cursed, strained, ridiculed, and honored. However, it can not be broken.

    (1330 words)

TOP