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Text 1
Seven Ways to Beat Shyness
by Carolyn Kitch
Shyness has long been a great
concern for many people. What to do about shyness? The
article below provides us with ways to overcome shyness.
Read it and see whether these ways are effective.
The 43-year-old woman lived in constant
fear of strangers, whether at parties with her husband
or at school functions1 with her three children.
"I endured these events," she says, "by keeping as quiet
as possible, not looking any one just in the eye, and
just waiting for the hour when I could go home. I felt
others saw how uncomfortable I was."
Today this woman has learned
to overcome her shyness, using techniques found to be
successful in countless cases. She has a circle of friends
and she participates in activities at her kids' school.
And she now realizes that she wasn't alone in her problem.
Often mistakenly regarded
as a childhood stage that people outgrow, shyness is
surprisingly widespread. Philip Zimbardo, a Stanford
University psychologist, co-director of the Shyness
Institute and author of Shyness: What It Is, What
to Do About It, surveyed more than 10 000 people
during the 1970s and ‘80s and found that approximately
40 percent of this sample described themselves as shy.
Another study of 1 600
people, conducted by psychologist Bernardo Carducci,
places the figure at 48 percent. According to Zimbardo,
an additional 15 percent are "situationally shy, experiencing
shyness in certain stressful circumstances, such as
speaking in public." The research indicates that males
and females are equally shy.
There may be no "cures"
for shyness. However, research is uncovering ways shy
people can overcome their problem so it doesn't take
such a toll2 on their happiness. Here's the
best of the experts' advice:
1. Use a journal to get to the root
of your fears. "A written record is a cheap, effective
therapist," says psychotherapist Christopher McCullough,
author of Always at Ease: Overcoming Anxiety and
Shyness in Every Situation. "We know more about
ourselves than we think we know, and it's often surprising
what comes out when we write down our thoughts and fears."
One of McCullough's former
patients, a single woman in her mid-30s, suffered severe
shyness about dating. "She wrote down everything that
happened surrounding a date: getting the phone call,
making arrangements to go out, what was said during
the date, what was said about future plans," McCullough
says, "as well as what she was thinking while all this
was going on." The woman noticed a recurrent theme.
"She was afraid that a man might like her, but she might
not like him─and then she wouldn't know how to get
out of the relationship."
McCullough explains that
they talked about things she could say to men she didn't
want to see any more. "Once she had those tools, dating
became much less stressful."
Though the woman was situationally
shy─only one aspect of her life, dating, was problematic─a journal can be a helpful tool for the temperamentally
shy as well. According to psychologist Jonathan Cheek,
author of Conquering Shyness: A Personalized Approach,
two-thirds of shy people can identify specific events
in their lives that contributed to their shyness. Once
the causes are identified, says Cheek, "you can deal
with them in a constructive way."
2. Create a "character"─an unshy version of yourself─and rehearse your own
scenes. Zimbardo tells the story of a 50-year-old woman
who found acting to be a solution to her shyness. "I
discovered that my embarrassment vanished when I assumed
a role in a play," she wrote him. "It wasn't me on the
stage. It was a character."
This division of the self
into "the real you and the role you," says Zimbardo,
is also common among "shy extroverts"─people who appear
outgoing in public yet are shy in private. "Approximately
15 percent of those who are shy fit this description."
Many popular entertainers,
including American TV show hosts Johnny Carson and David
Letterman, are shy but feel more at ease when they're
on stage or on camera, Zimbardo says. Such successes
are why some shy people get involved in community theater,
debating societies or Toastmasters. During these activities
they can temporarily "be" the unshy person.
Cynthia Finch, director
of the Reticence Program at a Pennsylvania university,
helped a shy student prepare to tell his father that
he was leaving the school's Reserve
Officers' Training Corps program. "He wrote a ‘script'
of the conversation he was fearful of, including what
he wanted to say, what his father might say, and how
to answer," Finch says. Afterward, she adds, the young
man was less hesitant to talk to his father about other
subjects that were important to him.
Scripting can be used with
role-playing to rehearse for any scene in your life,
whether it's asking your boss for a raise or meeting
your child's teacher. When you rehearse these encounters,
you've prepared what you're going to say, and you will
be more confident going into the conversation.
"Shy people are often too
concerned with whether or not their actions reflect
their real selves," Zimbardo explains. "Like an actor,
you must learn to dissolve the boundary between the
so-called real you and the role you play. Let your actions
speak for themselves and eventually they'll be speaking
for you."
3. Do your homework. Bernardo Carducci
calls this technique "social reconnaissance." "If you're
going to a party," he suggests, "find out who will be
there, what they do, what their interests are." If you're
making a business presentation to people you haven't
met, find out something about their backgrounds. "You'll
feel more in control when it comes time to make conversation,"
he adds.
Another type of homework: look for a group
that shares some interest of yours. Marjorie Coburn,
director of a phobia and anxiety treatment center in
California, helped the 43-year-old woman who was uncomfortable
about strangers. Coburn learned that the woman had always
wanted to learn to quilt. So at Coburn's suggestion,
the woman signed up for a quilting class. There, she
was able to talk with others about something she was
interested in, even though these people were strangers.
Her in-class conversations led to some friendships and
socializing outside class. "For the first time," Coburn
says, "she actually enjoyed being with people. Moreover,
she became less shy in other situations."
4. Change your body language.
"Shy people send out signals of coolness or withdrawal,
often without realizing it," says psychologist Arthur
Wassmer, author of Making Contact: A Guide to Overcoming
Shyness. "What they're constantly telegraphing is:
‘I'm scared, I'm afraid, I'm intimidated.' "Unfortunately,
other people don't get those messages. They interpret
this body language as aloofness or conceit and stay
away, making the shy person feel even more insecure.
"Of all the techniques,"
Wassmer adds, "simple changes in body language are the
most surprising in terms of immediate results. Patients
would say to me, ‘I had more conversations with people
in the last week than I had in the last year!'"
Wassmer uses
a one-word reminder to list all the body-language signals
that project warmth and likability: SOFTEN. "S" stands
for "smile," "O" for "open posture" (legs and arms uncrossed),
"F" for "forward lean," "T " for "touch" or friendly
physical contact (shaking hands, for example), "E" for
"eye contact" and "N" for "nod" (affirming you're listening
and understanding). "By softening the image you send
out to the world, you'll earn the friendliness and positive
responses that make strangers seem less intimidating,"
Wassmer claims.
Shy people find conversation
difficult; they hardly ever speak up because they're
too busy worrying about the impression they're making.
Researchers have found that to keep a conversation moving
along, unshy people instinctively use conversational
feedback such as "Yes, I agree" or "How interesting."
When conversation lags,
ask open-ended questions such as "How did you get into
your line of work?" "Open-ended questions are a signal
that you're friendly," says Jonathan Berent, a psychotherapist
and author of Beyond Shyness: How to Conquer Social
Anxieties. "Such questions also keep the focus on
the other person─not you."
5. Let others in on your
secret. Christopher McCullough once counseled a man
who liked his job but dreaded monthly meetings in which
he had to participate. He was afraid he'd say something
stupid or even panic and run out of the room─and lose
his job if he did. Finally he confided his fears to
his boss, who told him that he could leave the room
if he needed to, that his job was not at risk. "Eventually
this calmed the worker down," McCullough says, "and
he was able to get through meetings and even participate."
A major complaint of shy
people is that their families, friends and even doctors
don't take their problem seriously. Marjorie Coburn
advises a shy person to find "safe people" who accept
their shyness─not those who tell them to come out
of their shell. "You want people who'll listen to your
fears without making judgments," she emphasizes.
6. Envision the worst-case
scenario. Dr. Paul Bohn, former director of the Social
and Performance Anxiety Clinic at the University of
California, Los Angeles, asks patients to discuss their
greatest fears in front of fellow shyness-sufferers.
For instance, if someone is afraid of giving a speech,
he might be asked by the group: What's
the evidence for your fear? "People laughed at me when
I was a kid." What's the evidence against it? "No one
has laughed at me for years." What's the worst that
could happen? "They'll laugh at me!" And what'll happen
then? "Either I'll laugh with them, or I'll never come
back to speak to the group again." So even the worst-case
scenario is hardly the catastrophe that the person had
imagined.
One common fear that often
does come true is the onset of physical symptoms that
sometimes accompany shyness: perspiration, a shaking
voice, blushing. Yet research shows that these symptoms
aren't nearly as noticeable to others
7. Take small steps. Marjorie
Coburn used this technique to help a 35-year-old bookkeeper.
The woman wanted to earn an accounting degree but was
too shy to take classes. "She was afraid that she would
be called on to speak," she says. "We worked up to her
goal gradually."
First, she just walked
around a university campus. Next, she signed up for
a seminar, sat in the back and didn't speak to anyone.
At another seminar, she talked to the person next to
her. "Eventually," says Coburn, "she enrolled for a
bookkeeping course." If she was called on, she could
respond easily, thanks to her own authority on the subject.
Finally the woman enrolled
in the accounting program and did so well she was asked
to tutor students. "When she took on the role of teacher,
her shyness went away," Coburn notes.
If shy people work at it,
says Jonathan Cheek, most are able to cope with their
problem. "It is work," he adds, "but it's a battle they
can win."
"You're not going to wake
up one morning transformed into the life of the party,"
Cheek continues. "In fact, you may always feel shy inside.
But you'll forge ahead anyway and connect with others.
And in doing so, you'll be refusing to stand on the
sidelines of life. That's the real victory."
(1847 words) TOP
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课文一
克服害羞的七种途径
凯若琳·克奇
害羞长期以来一直困扰着很多人。如何对待害羞呢？下面这篇文章为我们提供了克服害羞的一些办法。阅读文章，并且看一看是不是有效。
一位43岁的妇女总是生活在对陌生人的恐惧中，无论是和丈夫一起出席晚会，还是和她的三个孩子参加学校的典礼。“我忍受着这些场合，”她说，“尽可能保持沉默，不看任何人的眼睛，等待可以回家的时刻，我感觉到别人也看出我有多不自在。”
现在，这位妇女已经学会了克服害羞，使用很多情况下都很成功的技巧。她现在有自己的朋友圈，参加孩子学校的各种活动。她现在意识到，不仅仅她一个人曾有这种困惑。
人们常常错误地认为，羞怯只存在于童年时代，成人后就会摆脱掉，但令人惊讶的是，害羞普遍存在。斯坦福大学心理学家菲利普·辛巴杜是羞怯协会的副董事，《什么是害羞，如何克服害羞》一书的作者。他在七、八十年代对一万多人进行了调查，发现大约有40%的人认为自己是害羞的人。
心理学家伯纳德·卡多西曾对1600人做过一次调查，调查表明该数据为48%。辛巴杜认为另外有15%的人属于“情境型害羞，在某些有压力的环境下会胆怯，比如在公众前发言。”研究还还表明男性和女性一样害羞。
可能没有根治害羞的办法，但是所做的研究正在发现一些途径，帮助害羞的人克服自己的问题，不至于让它严重影响他们的幸福。以下是专家建议中最好的：
1．记日记以找到害羞的根源。精神治疗医师克里斯托弗·麦克洛夫著有《轻松自如：克服焦虑和害羞》一书。他说，“书面记录是便宜有效的临床医学家。我们对自己的了解比我们认为自己对自己的了解要多，因此当我们记下自己的想法和恐惧时，显现的结果往往令人吃惊。”
麦克洛夫过去有个病人是位三十多岁的单身女性，非常惧怕约会。麦克洛夫说，“她把约会时发生的一切都写下来：接电话，安排出门，约会时
说了什么，谈到未来的计划时说了什么，以及当这一切进行时她自己都在想什么。”这样，这位女士注意到一个反复出现的主题。“她害怕某个男士会喜欢上她，而自己可能不喜欢这位男士——而她不知道如何摆脱这种关系。”
麦克解释说，他们讨论了她同自己不想再见面的男士能说些什么。“一旦她知道该怎么办，约会的压力就小多了。”
尽管这位女士属于情境型害羞，仅仅在她生活的“约会”一个方面存在问题，日记同样也是解决性格型害羞的有效途径。著有《征服胆怯：个性化的途径》一书的心理学家乔纳森·奇克认为，在害羞的人中，有三分之二的人能确认生活中导致他们胆怯的具体事件。奇克说：“一旦找到了原因，你就可以用积极的方式来解决问题。”
2.
创造一个新“角色”——一个不害羞的你——并排练你自己的场景。辛巴杜讲述了一位50岁女士的故事，她发现角色扮演是克服害羞的好途径。她写信给辛巴杜说：“当我假定自己是剧中的一个角色时，自己的尴尬消失了。舞台上的不是我。那是一个角色。”
辛巴杜说，把自我分成“真实的自我和角色自我”，这同样适用于“性格外向的害羞者”——那些人前显得很开朗，而私下却挺害羞的人。“大约有15％的害羞者属于这一类型。”
很多受欢迎的艺人也很害羞，包括美国电视节目主持人约翰·卡森和大卫·雷德曼，不过在舞台上或面对镜头时，他们会很放松，辛巴杜说。这就是为什么一些害羞的人参与社区剧团，辩论会或充当社区主持人的原因。在这些活动中，他们可以暂时“成为”不害羞的人。
辛西娅·芬奇是宾夕法尼亚大学沉默项目的主任，她曾帮助一位羞怯的学生告诉他的父亲，他准备离开学校的预备军官训练团。芬奇说，“他为自己害怕面临的谈话写了一份‘稿子’，包括他自己要说什么，父亲可能说什么，以及如何回答。”她补充说，后来这个年轻人要和父亲谈一些重要事情时就不那么犹犹豫豫、吞吞吐吐了。
写‘稿子’可以和角色扮演结合排练生活中的任何场面，不论是要求老板加薪还是要见孩子的老师。你在排练这些会面时就准备好了要说的话，这样实际交谈时就会更加自信。
“害羞的人经常太在意自己的行为是否反映了真实的自我，”辛巴杜解释道，“你必需像一个演员，学会消除所谓真实的你和扮演的角色之间的界限。随你的行动自己说话，它们最终会为你说话。”
3．做好准备工作。伯纳德·卡多西把这一技巧叫做“社会侦察”。他建议，“如果你要参加一个晚会，去搞清楚谁会出席，他们的职业，他们的兴趣如何。”如果你要向未见过面的人做业务陈述，找一些他们的背景资料。“当真正会谈时你会觉得一切都在控制之中，”他补充说。
另外一种准备工作是：寻找有共同爱好的群体。玛乔里·库本是加利福尼亚州恐怖焦虑症治疗中心的主任，她曾帮助一位43岁的怕和陌生人打交道的妇女。她得知这位妇女一直想学缝被子。在玛乔里·库本的建议下，她报名参加了一个缝被子班。在那里，她开始和别人谈论一些感兴趣的事情，尽管这些也是陌生人。课堂上的交谈给她带来了友谊和课堂外的交往。库本说：“她第一次真正喜欢和别人在一起，并且在其它一些场合也不再那么害羞。”
4．改变你的肢体语言。著有《保持联系：克服害羞指南》一书的心理学家阿瑟·沃斯默说：“害羞的人发出冷漠或退缩的信号，并且常常意识不到。他们发送的信息往往是这样：‘我感到恐惧，害怕，我被吓倒了。'不幸的是，别人却不这样理解。他们把这些肢体语言解释为冷淡或自负，因而远离你，让害羞的人更没有安全感。”
“在所有的技巧中，”沃斯默补充道，“简单地改变身体语言最能带来令人吃惊的直接结果。病人们对我说，‘我上周和别人的交谈比去年一年还多！’”
沃斯默用一个单词来代表所有可以表现出热情讨喜的身体语言信号：SOFTEN（放松）。S代表smile (微笑)；O代表open
posture(敞开的体态)，即双腿和双臂不交叉；F代表forward lean(向前倾)；T代表touch（触摸）或友好的身体接触，例如握手；Ｅ代表eye
contact(眼睛的接触)；N代表nod（点头）证实你正在听并且理解。“通过向外传递一个放松的形象，你会获得友谊和积极的回应，陌生人就不会给你胁迫感，”沃斯默声称。
害羞的人觉得交谈很困难；他们几乎从来不大声说话，因为他们太忙于顾虑自己给别人留下的印象。研究者发现为了使交谈进行下去，不害羞的人会本能地使用一些交谈反馈，比如“是啊，我同意”或者“多有趣啊。”
当交谈不那么顺畅时，可以问一些开放式的问题，比如“你是怎么进入这一行的？”“这样的问题是友好的信号，而且把谈话中心放在了对方，而不是你自己，”著有《超越害羞：如何战胜社交焦虑》一书的精神治疗医师乔纳森·贝仁特这样认为。
５. 让别人知悉你的秘密。克里斯托弗·麦克洛夫曾经做过一个人的顾问，他喜欢自己的工作，却惧怕每月必须参加的例会。他害怕自己会说些愚蠢的话或者恐慌得夺门而逃，因而失去工作。最后他把自己的恐惧向老板倾诉，老板告诉他，如果他认为必要就可以离开房间，没有丢工作的危险。麦克洛夫讲：“这样终于使他平静下来，能够开完会，甚至参与会议。”
害羞的人抱怨他们的家人、朋友甚至医生不把他们的问题当真。玛乔里·库本建议害羞的人去寻找“可靠的人”。他们能接受他们的羞怯，而不是要求他们别再羞怯。“你需要倾听你倾诉而不做评论的人，”她强调。
6． 想象一下最糟糕的情景。保罗·鲍恩医生是加利福尼亚大学社交行为焦虑诊所前任主任。他要求病人们在害羞的同伴面前讨论自己最害怕的事情。例如，如果有人害怕发表演说，人们会问他下面的问题：你害怕的根据是什么？“当我是孩子的时候人们嘲笑我。”反对它的根据又是什么？“多年来没有人再嘲笑我了。”可能发生的最糟糕的情况是什么？“他们会嘲笑我！”然后又会发生什么？“或者和他们一起笑，或者再也不在公众前讲话了。”你看，即使最糟糕的情况也没他们想象的那么糟。
一个常见的担心，是有时会伴随着害羞的一些身体症状：出汗，声音颤抖，脸红。而这种担心通常确会变为现实。然而研究表明，这些并没有像他们所害怕的那样受到其他人的注意。
7． 采取小的步骤。玛乔里·库本使用这一技巧帮助了一位35岁的会计。这位妇女想获得一个会计学学位，但她害怕去上课。“她害怕被提问，”她说，“我们鼓励她逐步向目标靠近。”
开始，她只是在大学校园里转一转，接下来报名参加了一个研讨会，她坐在后排，也不和任何人讲话。下一次研讨会上她开始和旁边的人说话。库本说，“最后她报名参加了一个会计学习班。”因为所教的课程她都会，提问时就能轻松回答。
最终这位妇女注册了会计学课程。她学得很好，甚至受邀辅导学生。“当她担任教师这一角色时，她的羞怯消失得无影无踪，”库本指出。
乔纳森·奇克说，如果害羞的人去克服害羞，大多数人能够解决自己的问题。“这是一项工作，也是一场能赢的战斗，”他补充道。
“你并不是一觉醒来就进入了社会生活，”奇克接着说，“事实上，你可能内心一直很害羞，但无论如何你会向前迈进，和其他人接触。这样，你就不会站在生活的边缘。这是真正的胜利。”
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Text 2
Help Yourself Through the Hard
Times
by Collin Perry
Some years ago I
had a thriving construction business, a comfortable
home, two new cars and a sailboat.
Moreover, I was happily married. I had it all.
Then the stock market crashed,
and suddenly no one was looking at the houses I'd built.
Months of murderous interest payments gobbled up my
savings. I couldn't make ends meet and lay awake nights
in a cold sweat. Just when I thought things couldn't
get worse, my wife announced that she wanted a divorce.
With no idea what to do
next, I resolved literally to "sail off into the sunset,"
following the coastline from Connecticut to Florida.
But somewhere off New Jersey I turned due east, straight
out to sea. Hours later, I climbed up on the stern rail
and watched the dark Atlantic slip beneath the hull.
How easy it would be to let the water take me, I thought.
Suddenly the boat plummeted
between two swells, knocking me off-balance. I grabbed
the rail, my feet dragging in icy brine, and just managed
to haul myself back on board. Shaken, I thought, What's
happening to me? I don't want to die. From that moment,
I knew I had to see things through. My old life was
gone. Somehow I'd have to build a new one.
Everyone, at some point,
will suffer a loss─the loss of loved ones, good health,
a job. "It's your ‘desert experience'─a time of feeling
barren of options, even hope," explains Patrick Del Zoppo, a psychologist and bereavement specialist with
the Archdiocese of New York. "The important thing is
not to allow yourself to be stranded in the desert."
So, can we actually do
things to help ourselves through bad times? As I discovered,
you can take charge of your own cure. Here's how:
Let Yourself Grieve
Counselors agree that a
period of grieving is critical. "There's no shame in
this," says Del Zoppo. "Tears aren't a sign that you're
simply feeling sorry for yourself but are an expression
of sadness or emotion that must find an outlet."
And it doesn't matter if
the grieving takes a while to surface, as long as it
finally finds expression. Consider the case of Donna
Kelb. One spring day her 16-year-old son, Cliff, Jr.,
and 15-year-old son, Jimmy, were sanding their boat.
Suddenly Donna heard a scream. Rushing outside, she
found her two sons lying on the ground near the boat.
Jimmy had gone into
the water and returned dripping wet. When he picked
up the sander4, he was electrocuted. Cliff,
knocked to the ground by the current when he tried to
grab the tool, recovered.
Donna was so numbed by
this tragedy that she didn't cry for weeks─not even
at the funeral. Then back at work one day, she began
to feel dizzy. "Finally I went home, locked myself in
my room and just wailed," she says. "It was as though
this great weight was being lifted from my shoulders."
What Kelb experienced after
her tragic loss was what Del Zoppo calls a "first-line
defense that shields the consciousness from some extremely
unpleasant reality." Kelb couldn't begin healing until
nature had allowed her time to sort out her tragedy.
Understand Your Anger
"Anger is natural," says
Del Zoppo, "but it can be released in a wholesome way."
Properly understood, it can serve your recovery.
Candace Bracken's future
seemed full of promise. The 25-year-old airline service
coordinator had a new baby and a new job. Then one day,
she began hemorrhaging uncontrollably. Acute leukemia
was diagnosed, and Bracken was given two weeks to live.
After the initial shock, she felt angry. "I had taken
care of myself, lived a straight and narrow life," says
Bracken. "Things like this weren't supposed to happen
to people like me."
She reeled at the thought
of her imminent death, and withdrew. "I just gave up,"
she says. Then a doctor told her she needed to arrange
for someone to care for her daughter. "How dare you
tell me to find someone else to raise my child!" Bracken
snapped. At that moment, she realized that she had strong
reasons to fight for her life. Her anger, formerly crippling,
now sparked her. It helped see her through a harrowing,
but ultimately successful, bone-marrow transplant.
Face the Challenge
Another obstacle on the
road to health after a significant loss can be denial.
Instead of facing what has happened to them, says Dr.
Michael Aronoff, psychiatrist and a spokesperson for
the American Psychiatric Association, many people "try
to fill up that empty feeling looking for an escape."
The man who rarely touched a drink will begin hitting
the bottle. A woman who watched her weight will overeat.
Others─like me─try literally to "run away."
After working for bosses
all his life, John Jankowski had always longed to have
his own options and stock-trading firm. He finally got
the start-up money and did well. Then came a downturn
in business, and before long Jankowski was in serious
financial trouble.
"It was like my whole
life had been shattered," he says. With financial resources
exhausted and the pressure of a family to support, Jankowski's
thoughts turned to escape.
One morning, while on a
run, he just kept going. After jogging westward for
two hours, he staggered back home. "It finally dawned
on me that I couldn't run away from my troubles. The
only thing that made sense was to face up to my situation,"
he says. "Admitting failure was the toughest part─but I had to before I could get on with my life."
Get out and Do!
"After a few weeks, I urge
people recovering from loss to get back into a routine,"
says psychiatrist and Boston University professor Bessel
A. van der Kolk. "It's important to force yourself to
concentrate on things other than your hurt." Consider
these activities:
Join a support group.
Once you've made the decision to "get on with life,"
you'll need someone to talk to─and the most effective
kind of conversation can be with someone else who has
undergone an ordeal6.
Read. When you can
focus after the initial shock, reading─especially
self-help books─can offer inspiration as well as relaxation.
Keep a journal.
Many find comfort in creating an ongoing record of their
experiences. At best it can serve as a kind of self-therapy.
Plan events. The
idea that there are things to look forward to reinforces
that you are forging ahead into a fresh future. Schedule
that trip you've been postponing.
Learn new skills.
Take up a new hobby or sport. You have a new life ahead;
a new skill will complement it.
Reward yourself.
During highly stressful times, even the simplest daily
chores─getting up, showering, fixing meals─can seem
daunting. Consider every accomplishment, no matter how
small, a victory to be rewarded.
Exercise. Physical
activity can be especially therapeutic. Therese Gump
felt confused and adrift after her 21-year-old son committed
suicide. A friend talked her into taking a jazzercize
class. "It was just mindless stretching and
bouncing to music," Gump says, "but it made me feel
better physically, and when you feel better physically
you feel better mentally."
"Exercise gets you out
of your head and your troubles," Aronoff explains, "and
it allows you to experience your body with your two
feet on the ground."
Get outside Yourself
"Many people who survive
traumatic situations eventually find the need to take
meaningful action," says Dr. van der Kolk. "They may
start organizations, write books, work for awareness.
Along the way they discover that a powerful way to help
themselves lies in helping others."
You don't have to suddenly
become an organizer to reach out to others. Irene Roberts,
a 68-year-old medical secretary, underwent grueling
chemotherapy for ovarian and breast cancer. Throughout
the experience, love from her family and friends, as
well as prayer, helped Roberts maintain her humor and
positive outlook.
Doctors and staff were
touched by Roberts's optimism, and when she'd ask how
they were feeling, they would respond. "I'd just lie
there and listen," she says with a twinkle in her eye,
"never letting on that they were helping me more than
I was helping them. The truth is that thinking of others
rather than spending a lot of time thinking about myself
played a huge role in my full recovery."
Be Patient with Yourself
People often ask, "When
will this terrible pain stop?" Experts resist being
pinned down to time frames. "Roughly, it's a minimum
of six months before you even start to feel better,"
says Anorak. "And it can be as long as a year, possibly
two. A lot depends on disposition, the support within
your environment, and if you get help and work on it."
So, be easy on yourself.
Recognize that you'll need time, and that your own pace
of recovery may not fit with that of others. Congratulate
yourself at each step through grief: I'm still here,
I've made it this far!
Sailing is a slow business.
I made it to Florida in five weeks. In attempting to
"run away," I'd embarked on a trip that gave me a structure,
a daily outdoor routine requiring physical exertion,
and plenty of time. I was still hurting, but by the
time I anchored in Miami, I was ready to try again.
At what, I wasn't sure.
"Why not get back to writing─to what you were trained for?" said my dad. He was
right. And here I am now, writing to you. It feels good
to be back.
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课文二
帮助自己走出困境
科林·佩里
几年前，我经营着一个建筑公司，生意兴隆。我有一个舒适的家，两辆新车，一艘帆船。而且，我婚姻幸福。我觉得自己拥有一切。
后来，突然间股市发生了震荡，再也没有人买我建造的房屋。连月来要命的利息付出吃光了我的存款。我入不敷出，夜不能寐，浑身冷汗。就在事情无法再糟糕时，妻子又提出离婚。
我不知道下一步该怎么办，决定沿着从康涅狄格州到佛罗里达州的海岸线来一次真正的“朝着日落航行”。但在新泽西附近海面的某个地方，我改变了预定的航向，直接向大海深处驶去。几个小时后，我爬上船尾的栏杆，看着船下滑过的黑暗的大西洋，心里想着，让海水吞噬自己是多么容易的事情。
突然，我的船垂直跌落在两个浪头中间，我失去了平衡。我抓住栏杆，双脚拖在冰冷的海水中，奋力把自己拖回甲板。我心绪不宁，心里想，这是怎么了？我不想死。从那一刻起我意识到，自己必须挺过难关。我的过去结束了。无论如何我要建立新的生活。
每个人，在某个时候，都会承受失去的痛苦———失去所爱的人，失去健康，失去工作。“这是你的‘沙漠体验’——一个感觉没有选择，甚至没有希望的时刻，”心理学家兼纽约大主教管区的丧亲研究专家帕特里克·德·佐波解释说，“最重要的是，不要让自己在困境中束手无策。”
因此，我们实际上能做些什么来帮助自己走出困境呢？我发现，人们自己能够找到治疗的办法。下面就是如何去做：
想哭就哭
专家们赞同，哭上一段时间是至关重要的。“这没有什么可羞愧的，”德·佐波说，“眼泪并非表明你顾影自怜，而是你必须得到宣泄的悲伤和情感的表现。”
有时候，悲痛要经过一段时间才浮出水面，这并不要紧，只要它最终得到宣泄。拿唐娜·凯伯的例子来说，一个春日，她16岁的儿子小克利夫和15岁的儿子吉米正给他们的船打磨。突然，唐娜听到一声尖叫，她冲到屋外，发现两个儿子躺在船边的地上。
吉米到了水里，上来时浑身湿淋淋的。当他拣起磨沙机时触电而死。克利夫试图去抢夺时也被电流击倒在地，他后来恢复了健康。
悲剧使唐娜麻木了。她几个星期来都没有哭，甚至葬礼上也没有。回去工作后的一天，她开始觉得晕眩。“最后我回到家里，把自己锁在房间里，号啕大哭，”她说，“仿佛巨大的重压正从肩头卸下。”
在悲剧性地失去儿子后，凯伯所经历的，就是德·佐波所说的“保护自己的意识不受极端不愉快的现实伤害的第一防线”。直到上苍给予她时间来处理自己的悲剧，凯伯才开始渐渐恢复。
认识你的愤怒
“愤怒是正常的，”德·佐波说，“但它能通过健康的途径释放出来。”正确地认识愤怒可以促进你复原。
坎迪斯·布莱肯的未来似乎充满希望，这位25岁的航班调度员刚刚有了孩子和新工作。有一天，她开始无法控制地出血。诊断证明她患了急性白血病，只有两个星期的生命。在最初的震惊之后，她感到愤怒。“我自己照顾自己，过着安分守己的日子，”布莱肯说，“这样的事情不该发生在像我这样的人身上。”
快要来临的死亡把她打倒了，她退缩了。“我放弃了，”她说。然而，一个医生告诉她，她必须安排一个人来照顾自己的女儿。“你怎么能叫我让别人来抚养我的孩子！”她愤怒地说。那一刻，她意识到自己有充分的理由为生命奋斗。先前削弱斗志的愤怒现在在鼓舞她，帮助她成功度过了痛苦的骨髓移植。
直面挑战
另一个心理障碍是，人们在遭遇重大损失之后，往往会拒绝承认它。美国精神病学协会发言人、精神病学家麦克尔·阿罗诺夫博士指出，许多人不是勇于面对所发生的一切，而是“试图填补空虚的情感，寻求逃避。”一个很少沾酒的男人可能沉溺杯中之物；一个很注意身材的女士则可能大开吃戒；还有的人——比如我——干脆试图“逃跑”。
约翰·简科斯基多年来一直为老板工作，他一直希望有自己的期权和证券交易公司。最后他终于有了启动资金并且经营得很顺利。但后来生意开始低迷，不久简科斯基陷入了严重的经济困境。
“我的整个生活似乎被击碎了，”他说。经济来源的枯竭和养家糊口的压力让他想到逃避。
一天早上，他去跑步，不过是机械地向前跑。向西慢跑了两个小时之后，他摇摇晃晃地回到家。“我开始明白，我不能躲避自己的困难，唯一明智的做法是正视自己的处境，”他说。“承认失败是最难的事，但为了生活下去必须承认这一点。”
摆脱困境，开始行动
“几个星期后，我就催促那些遭受损失的人恢复原来的日常生活，”波士顿大学教授、精神病学家巴塞尔·瓦德科克说。“重要的是要强迫你自己专心某件事而不是沉湎于伤痛中。”考虑一下这些活动：
加入一个有支持者的团体。一旦决定了要“好好生活下去”，你就得有倾诉的对象，而最有效的谈话是和有类似经历的人一起。
读书。在最初的震惊后，当你能集中精力做事情时，读书——特别是一些有关自助的书——能给你灵感和放松。
记日记。通过记录自己的体验，很多人能从中找到安慰，在最好的时候，它可以作为一种自我治疗的方式。
定计划。有所期待能增强你渐渐进入全新未来的力量。例如，你可以计划一下被推迟了的旅行。
学习新技能。培养一种新兴趣或从事一种新运动。你前面有崭新的生活；一门新技巧能使它丰富完美。
奖赏自己。在高度紧张的时候，连最简单的日常琐事：起床，洗澡，准备三餐都似乎使人退缩。要考虑不管事情多小，完成了就是一次胜利并值得奖赏。
运动。体育活动可能是特别的治疗。在她21岁的儿子自杀后，塞瑞斯·格穆珀很困惑，觉得茫然失措。有位朋友劝她参加一个爵士舞班。格穆珀说：“那只是跟着音乐漫不经心地伸展、跳跃。但我感觉身体上好多了，一个人身体感觉好的时候，精神状态也会好些。”
“运动让你不去思想，摆脱烦恼，”阿罗诺夫解释说，“两脚站在地面上，运动使你能够体验自己的身体。”
超越自我
“很多人在遭遇过创伤后发现有必要采取一些有意义的行动，”瓦德科克医生说，“他们或者成立一个组织，或者写书，或为唤起这种意识而工作。在这过程中他们发现帮助别人是帮助自己的最有力的办法。”
你无须一下子变成一个组织者去帮助别人。艾琳·罗伯兹是个68岁的医学秘书。她因患卵巢癌和乳癌接受了痛苦的化疗。在这过程中，来自家人、朋友、和为她祈祷的人的爱，使她保持了幽默和积极的人生观。
医生和工作人员被罗伯兹的乐观感动，当她问他们感觉如何时，他们就会乐意回答。“我只是躺在那儿听着，”她说，眼睛闪闪发光，“从不让他们看出他们帮助我比我帮助他们多。事实上，多为别人着想而不是花很多时间考虑自己，对我的完全恢复起了巨大作用。”
耐心等待
人们常常会问：“这可怕的疼痛什么时候才能结束？”专家们往往不愿意被迫对时间作出保证。“你可能需要大约至少六个月的时间才会感觉好些，”阿诺罗科说。“也可能要一年，或许两年，这很大程度上取决于你的性情，周围的支持，你自己是否获得帮助和努力的程度。”
因此，别着急。要认识到你需要时间，你恢复的速度可能和别人不一样。从不幸中每走出一步就祝贺一下自己：我还活着，我已经做到这一步了！
航海真的很费时间。到佛罗里达花了我五个星期的时间。本是试图“逃跑”，我却踏上了旅程。它使我的生活有了一个结构，给我一种需要消耗大量体力的日常户外生活，以及大量的时间。我仍然在痛楚中，然而当我在迈阿密靠岸时，我已准备重新开始。尽管如何下手，尚无把握。
“为什么不再去写作呢，回到你训练有素的事呢？”我父亲说。他是对的，我这里正给你们写呢。一切恢复正常真好。
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