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Don't interrupt
me, I'm busy
A psychologist is
making his normal hospital rounds one day when he enters a
patient's room. Patient A is pretending to saw a piece of
wood and Patient B is hanging upside down from the ceiling.
The doctor asks Patient A what he is doing and gets
the reply, "Can't you see I'm sawing a wood?"
Then the doctor
asks Patient A what Patient B is doing. Patient A answers,
"Oh, he's my friend and he's slightly crazy. He seems to
think he's a light bulb."
The doctor notices
his face turning bright red and asks Patient A, "If he's
your friend, don't you think you should help him down from
there before he hurts himself?"
Patient A looks up
and says, "What?!...And let me work in the dark?"
Making the wife
look better
A man walks into a
bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again. Finally the bartender asks
him why he orders a shot, then after drinking it looks into
his pocket. The man responds: "I have a picture of my wife
in there and when she starts to look good then I'll go
home."
See if you can hit
this
A duke was hunting
in the forest with his soldiers and servants when he came
across a tree.
Upon it, archery
targets were painted and right in the middle of each target
was an arrow.
"Who is this
incredible fine archer?" asked the duke, "I must find him!"
After continuing
through the forest for a few miles, he came across a small boy
carrying a bow and arrow.
Eventually the boy
admitted that it was he who shot the arrows.
"You didn't just
walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle,
did you?" asked the duke worriedly.
"No, my lord. I
shot them from a hundred paces. I swear by my mother's life,"
answered the boy.
"That is truly
astonishing," said the duke, "I hereby admit you into my
army."
"But I must ask
one favor in return," the duke continued, "You must tell me
how you came to be such an outstanding shot."
"Well," said the
boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree... and then I paint
the target around it."
Priorities
Two fellas are
fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and
sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He
stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The
procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap,
picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy
says, "That was touching. I didn't know you have religion in
you."
The first guy
responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do—after all,
I was married to her for 40 years."
The wrong way to
wash a dog
A young boy, about
eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks
out a huge box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walks
over, and, trying to be friendly, asks the boy if he has a lot
of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry,"
the boy says, "I'm going to wash my dog!"
"But you shouldn't
use this to wash your dog. It is very powerful and if you
wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might
even kill him."
But the boy is not
to be stooped and carries the detergent to the counter and
pays for it, while the grocer still tries to talk him out of
washing his dog.
About a week
later, the boy is back in the store to buy some candy. The
grocer asks him how his dog is doing.
"Oh, he died," the
boy says sadly.
The grocer, trying
not to say "I told you so," says instead that he's sorry that
the dog has died, but does add, "I tried to tell you not to
use the detergent on your dog!"
"Well," the boy
replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed
him."
"Oh? What was it
then?"
"I think it was
the spin cycle of the washing machine!"
Wrong partner
An old snake goes
to see his doctor. "I can't see well these days and I need
something for my eyes."
The doctor fixes
him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two
weeks.
The snake comes back
in two weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
"The glasses are fine, I just discovered I've been living with
a water hose for the past two years!"
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