In most cases, friendship develops gradually. We reach out
to offer friendship by offering a potential friend caring, listening,
talking, sharing, accepting, and affirming. It takes time and
effort to build a friendship. They are built slowly, slowly,
slowly...
Yet, nothing can add more to your life than having truly
intimate friends. "Just friends" is a goal worth
pursuing! Friendships can take up to three years to build!
Self-Disclosure builds
friendships.
Self-disclosure is usually the first step in establishing
trust. And it is scary because of the risk of rejection. Do
it anyway!
Start by sharing a few private thoughts and/or feelings
with one person you might want for a close friend. If the
person is responsive, he/she will usually share a personal
thought or two with you.
 If
he/she is not responsive, don't think of this as a rejection.
People may be non-responsive for reasons of their own or merely
as a perception of yours. Nevertheless, they aren't rejecting
you because they don't even know you yet.
Listening and acknowledging builds friendships.
Often when someone tells you a story or voices a complaint,
he/she is just asking for acknowledgment.
This does not mean that he/she wants agreement or compliance;
it merely indicates a desire to be heard and understood.
Try these four steps to acknowledgment:
1. Repeat the student.
2. Don't invalidate
the other person.
3. Don't try to change the other person.
4. Don't problem solve too soon.
Take the time to acknowledge other's feelings and points
of view.
Listening and attending builds friendships.
Paying attention to someone is called "attending."
It means that your ears, your eyes, your body and your feelings
are all focused on that person at one time. Attending is a
very important part of any relationship. It includes:
1. Being there physically.
2. Focusing.
3. Eye contact and body language.
Looking at and focusing on another person shows that you
are "there for him/her."
Talking Is a Primary Building Block of Friendships.
Talking is an important part of friendship. When a friend
talks and reveals ideas or feelings, he/she is expecting shared
information in return. When the talk is not equal, the person
talking feels as if the listener is uninterested.
In fact, the person who is always the listener is really
playing the role of a counselor,
not a friend. Anytime you have been talking for more than
a minute or two without participation
from the person you are talking to, you are lecturing, bossing,
or putting that person in the role of a psychologist.
Loyalty, Equality, and Respect build friendship.
Friends are equal. Without equality, you can't have a close
friendship.
Friends are loyal and trustworthy. No
one can confide in someone they can not trust to be loyal
and to keep his/her secrets.
Friends have similar values. Our value system is so important
to us that our friends' values must be close to our own or
we will not have respect for this friend.
Allow Time for Friendships to Grow!
Jan Yager, Ph.D., author of Friendships, says that it takes
at least three years for "best friends" to evolve.
She writes, "One of the reasons tried-and-true
friendships take three years to evolve is that working
through initial conflicts will determine if a friendship has
staying power."
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