Friendships may not last. Friendships can lose importance
and die gradually. Some friendships end abruptly
with unresolved
conflict.
The worst enemy of friendships is change by one or
both friends. There is usually pain with the loss of friendship.
In fact, friendships end with pain and change.
carole King's
song, "You've Got A Friend" promises "Winter,
spring, summer, or fall--all you've got to do is call--and
I'll be there." Many people expect that their friends
will always be there. They expect friendship to last forever.
Yet,
friendships end and friends part company every day. Unfortunately,
even the best maintained friendships can end.
Many end because of a change in personality
or lifestyle when friends just drift apart and fade away with
time. There is a retreat
from self-disclosure
and seeking out each other's company. Avoidance
begins. The friendship slowly loses importance and finally
disappears.
Sue said, "The end of our friendship was a gradual thing.
I moved from one side of the city to the other. We had over
an hour's drive to see each other. For a year or so, we met
regularly. Then our friendship began to
taper off."
John wrote, "I didn't even know the friendship was over
until I caught myself thinking of Alan as a former friend.
In the past tense rather than the present."
Pat explained, "We started seeing each other less and
less. The friendship was just over."
Other friendships break up suddenly from a disagreement or
a move to another town.
Paul said, "When I moved to Seattle after college, our
friendship abruptly died. We were both struggling with new
jobs and didn't keep in touch. Now that friendship is so dead,
I don't even call him when I go home."
Bob Carver, Dallas psychotherapist,
says, "A friendship or any other relationship
fails because of three things:
" Unexpressed expectations,
" Undelivered communication,
" And/or thwarted
attention."
Yet the biggest threat to a friendship is change.
For example, moving from single life to coupled life has
a great effect on friendship. Coupled persons often feel their
single friends act interested in them only when a romantic
prospect is not in sight. The single friend may feel awkward
and withdraw
from a world of twosomes.
Divorced
and widowed
people often have a feeling of being abandoned by old friends.
Lillian Rubin in her book Just Friends says, "Thus
generally it's true that friends
accept each other so long as they both remain essentially
the same as they were when they met, or change in similar
directions. If they change or grow in different or incompatible
ways, the friendship most likely will be lost."
Regardless of why, when, or how friendships end, there is
always some pain of loss to
assimilate. When nothing can be done
to mend the friendship, it is important to grieve and feel
the pain fully. Then move on to enhance another friendship
or build entirely new friendships.
(492 words)
|